It feels like home.

Perhaps you’ve been here before; perhaps not.

Visitors are welcome.  Make yourself comfortable,

Like  a pair of old riding gloves or well-worn jeans.

Rest easy, you are in a safe space.

Away from noise, far from distractions,

Different than other places you’ve visited.

The sunsets are like no-where else,

And you’ll want to photograph each one so as to not forget.

Come, be refreshed; Let God speak to your heart.

We promise you’ll sleep better here than anywhere else,

As long as you don’t mind occasional whinnying, meowing or barking.

At 7685 you’ll find yourself again,

or maybe meet yourself for the first time

and make some new friends in the process.

Come, journey with us, sit with us, talk with us, be still with us.

You are welcome and you will be loved here.

“Life’s a journey,” they say.

If that’s true, I feel off course.

Will I be bird food?

Nothing but an empty, bleached shell of my former self?

No.  I’ll serve a purpose.

Dropped on concrete, an unusual sight.

Someone found me and smiled.

She’s learning to take notice of life.

When she lifted her head, I was there.

For her, I’m a reminder.

Change is necessary;

To stop changing is to die.

Though it’s scary, I’ll survive.

I’ll grow into my purpose,

And I’ll bear for her the message of grace.

Why, you might ask.  Well, this past weekend I was at a conference called Jubilee which is hosted annually by the Coalition for Christian Outreach.  I am employed by the CCO, but I am also a product of the phenomenal ministry done by them at Westminster College. Anyway, I attended a session at this conference by L.L. Barkat.  In the session we talked about poetry.  Now keep in mind that I hold a degree in English/Secondary Education; however, I have become so busy in the past several years that I have lost my passion for writing and for words.  Don’t get me wrong here.  I still love to read and to talk and I do both frequently, if not too much sometimes.  But during this session I realized that I hadn’t written a poem since highschool.  The speaker challenged us, in not so many words, to become more observant and to write about what we see.  I have been moving too quickly to notice the things around me.

Enter in this blog.  I am going to try to write a new poem once a week, possibly more, about something I have observed.  At times, I will include a picture to go along with what I’ve written.  I am hoping that this small practice will become an outlet and a spark for me to begin living and observing life again.  I invite you to read and to journey along with me.  Stay tuned for some pictures and poems!

So, the other day I was at our local Christian bookstore to pick something up as a possible book to study with a small group when I ran across another book.  It happened to be sitting on the shelf right beside the book I was looking to purchase, so I picked it up and checked it out because it seemed slightly intriguing.  In fact, I think that my friend Byron, who owns Hearts and Minds bookstore (check out his books blog at http://www.heartsandmindsbooks.com/booknotes…you won’t be disappointed!), may have mentioned it at one of our training events.  At the time I just kind of brushed it off.  The name of the book is “The Rest of God: Restoring your Soul by Restoring the Sabbath” by Mark Buchanan.  Wow.  It is definitely a God send.

I had been having a bit of trouble transitioning from my summer of introspection and time with God to the hustle-bustle of the new school year.  Not that school hasn’t been awesome so far, it’s just that the pace is somewhat different from what it had been all summer.  I think I learned to listen a little more closely to God and to slow down while everyone was away on summer break.  But, I’ve been trying to learn what it means to incorporate the practices that I had started during the summer into my school/life schedule.

My job is pretty busy, but I love it.  I have learned so much in the past three years of ministry.  God has grown me and stretched me and pushed me in ways I never could have even imagined while I was in college.  One of those ways is learning how to rest well.  I think I’ve written on this before at various and sundry places, and I’ve spoken on it before…in fact my senior chapel at Westminster was about Sabbath rest…but it is a lesson God continues to teach me.  I must slow down and not run at the pace the world calls me to live.  I must live at  God’s pace and set a faithful example for my students.  The summer that I lived in Ocean City with other college students was the first time I had ever really considered the practice of Sabbath taking and it was there with one of the staff members that I began to flesh out what it meant for me.  Still, after I graduated and entered into the campus ministry world, I was not so good at resting.  There were weeks where I would work for 80+ hours and not take a day off.  In fact, there were weeks where I didn’t even track the hours that I worked or take a day off.  It was insane and it was unhealthy.  But I have a good friend from college, Libby, who continually called me out on my Sabbath practices.  Through her, I slowly began to take time for myself.  Granted, I had to fall off a curb and sprain my ankle and be on crutches for a month for it really to sink in that I needed to slow down, but eventually I did.

However, life is a vicious cycle.  Sometimes we forget things we learn, and we fall back into old habits.  Our perceptions change, along with the reasons we don’t practice what we know to be needed and healthy and true.   But God finds His ways to bring us back to faithfulness and to remind us whose we are.  In the intro, the author, Mark Buchanan, says this his purpose in writing this book, with God’s help, is this: “to help us (the readers) think differently about time and eternity, rest and work, food and play–to change and renew our minds about such things (of course, I can do nothing apart from Christ and the Spirit.”  He is so eloquent in his writing, and I am really enjoying his insights, as well as being convicted by them.

I started to read the bookon my own, but I was reading it a little too quickly for it to sink in.  I got too excited about what it had to say!  I decided to invite my friend Wendy and my roommate to read it along with me.  Hopefully that will give me some accountability in what it is that I am being reminded of and how to put it into practice.  I would probably post the whole book on here if I could…in the intro to the intro he cites 2 Peter 1:12-15 and then says this: “These verses define what I am about, both as a writer and a speaker; the ministry of reminding–of restating what we already know.  I do this always, and I will do it as long as I am around, so that even after I’ve departed, the memory of truth will live on.  I hope that what I write is fresh, but there is nothing original.  It’s all just a reminder.”  And that’s what this book has been so far for me: a reminder.

I am allowed to slow down, to laugh with good friends, to play, to pray, to pause to hear from God, to take time to journal…to take time to indulge in the gift of Sabbath rest that God has given to me.  I challenge you today to think about what that means for you…to rest on the Sabbath…and talk to me about it.  Ask me about the book, ask me about my practices, and maybe we can learn together.  Until next time…

I used to know nothing about horses. I had gone on one push-button horse trail ride in college and had grown up liking horses and petting them, but that was about the extent of my horse experience. Then I moved to Saddle Up. One of the ways that I demonstrate to others that I care about them is by asking questions and trying to understand and learn about the things that are important to them. So here, it was horses. Not only because I wanted to show my roommate that I cared about her and not only because there are horses here and it would be a shame if I walked away knowing nothing about them; I also have a student, Dusty Jo, who was involved in the ministry here before I came. Then she graduated and moved on to my ministry at Mont Alto, so it was important for me to know her background and leadership experience. Still…little did I know the lessons that God was trying to teach me through horses.

Last summer, before I had ever even ridden any of the Saddle Up horses, I offered to help my roommate with camps that take place here every summer. It started off that she had me cooking and doing devotions. Now mind you, I barely knew Autumn at this point. We had only lived together maybe a month, and we both were still trying to figure each other out. But I wanted to be helpful, and she let me. Definitely a step of faith on her part and a confidence builder for me. At one point during the first camp of the summer, I was beginning to be reminded of the summer I worked at Cherith for the first time and wondered what the heck I had gotten myself into after the first week of having campers and a co-counselor with an opposite counseling style. But God is good, and He redeems all of these experiences.  Wow. What a growing experience. Cooking was a definite disaster, but devotions ended up going okay.

Autumn and I can be very much alike at times, but we can also be very different. She tends to be a lot more patient, well-spoken, and thoughtful than I am. I am often quick to the draw in my responses to situations. She can be too, but you can be sure that she has processed what she was going to say before she’s said it and that she is allowing the Holy Spirit to lead her speech. Living with her and spending time with her is teaching me to be more sensitive to when the Holy Spirit wants me to speak and when I should keep silent.  I’m learning from her how to better see God in certain situations.  I’m also learning what it means to play and to live with joy.  It’s been a year of lots of growth on my part.

Right now, I’m helping with camp again. My roommate and I have come a long way in our friendship, and God uses her continually to help me draw nearer to Him. I’ve been doing horse devotions in the morning for the past two weeks, and from that have memorized several Scriptures that weren’t in my brain before. They have come up at just the right time to encourage me or to encourage other people when I needed to. I am feeling anxious about starting this year off, but God has brought me far and taught me much about listening to Him and slowing down through working with the horses and campers this summer. I am still learning what it means for me to be an “alpha” in various situations. Even though Autumn and her girls have jokingly nicknamed me the “mama horse alpha,” it’s more true than they probably realize. Sometimes my laid back personality gets in the way of things…but it also helps people to feel comfortable with me and to let me care for them.  Heading into this year, I think my excitement overcomes my anxiety.  I am pretty excited for what God is going to do.  And I feel confident that as long as I continue to keep my eyes fixed on Him the peace He has given me this summer will be maintained and I will continue to grow closer to Him.  There are definitely other things I am learning as well…but that’s for another post.  Blessings to you and all glory be to God!

So where’s the balance? What does it mean to be submissive as a Christian? What place does assertiveness hold in the life of a Christian? Thoughts?

I was always so self-conscious in high school and college. I would not have been caught dead just walking up to someone and trying to make friends with them. Maybe that’s why I joined a sorority. I dunno, I was always friendly and nice to people and not super shy; however, when it came to being in authentic relationship with folks it was just a little harder. But let me get to the point and to what sparked this post.

First of all, there are constantly new plants and animals around my farm. Whether it’s beautiful new flowers or another litter of kittens, something is always changing. And as I was walking around outside today while waiting for the horse’s water trough to fill, I noticed some gorgeous purple flowers just about to bloom outside our back porch. (pictures will come later, I’m sure…when I get a camera that’s not a jerk…) Seeing these flowers got me to thinking. In nature, change is inevitable. The seasons change, plants live and die, and the circle of life continues. God is in control of it all and has the timing just right. So why should I be worried about the next decision I’m going to make? Why should I fear change and fear losing friends or my place here? It’s all about trusting God and His will and provision for my life.

The other thing that got me thinking was the birth of my best friend Heather’s little boy, Carter. He was born a week early, last night at 9:45 pm. I got to go see him this afternoon. I was only there a short period of time, and there were already a bunch of people there. But I have never felt so much joy in my life. I was totally overwhelmed by the love that I have for this little guy and his parents. And I was overwhelmed by his vulnerability and the trust that he has to have in his mommy and daddy and nurses. I should have that much trust in God and in the people around me. I mean, Carter just went through the biggest change in life possible! He ventured outside his mommy’s safe, warm womb to come into this crazy world! Oh, how much we can learn from children. Adam (Heather’s husband) is a natural. It was amazing to watch him with baby Carter today. Heather was glowing, even though she was still in a lot of pain from the birth. As I was leaving the hospital, driving away to come back to my house, I broke into tears. Tears of joy and tears of sadness, if you can have both at the same time. Let me explain why.

I have had lots of close friends in my life. I still have many. But there are only a select few who know me inside and out. Heather is as close to an older sister as I could ever have. And it’s funny, because we’ve only know each other about two years. It seems like we’ve known each other forever. But I believe God did that. He knew I needed someone with whom I could place all the cards on the table and who would be willing to do the same. Not 6 months after I started hanging out with Heather and her husband every Tuesday night, they lost their first child in the womb at five months. Absolutely devastating. To me, to Heather, to Adam, and to so many other people. But again, because God brought us together I was able to be there for Heather through the healing process to comfort her and care for her. As we’ve prepped for Baby Carter to come a year and 7 months after losing Dannon, it’s been bittersweet. And I think that’s partially why I cried today. I have never loved someone who was not family as much as I love Heather and Adam and this little guy. To see them so happy and healthy and ready to go is truly one of God’s miracles and blessings.

And then I had to get a handle on my emotions and my thoughts because they were going the wrong direction. I started thinking about if God would call me to move out of this area how I would miss out on baby Carter growing up. I started to think about how the way I care for my friends tends to be a little different than the norm. And I started to worry that things were going to be irreparably different between Heather and me. Now, mind you, we’re all nervous about what’s going to happen next and this is new to all of us. But Heather loves me like her sister and Adam does too. I will be Auntie Ange, that’s for sure. So the worries were unfounded, yet I still found myself thinking about them. That’s when I had to lay down and take a nap and pray a lot for God to take control of my thoughts.

I think I will always struggle with being a little different than other people. When I’ve let you in and I love you and care about you, all I want is for you to be safe and happy and to feel loved. And I can’t always fix it when you don’t, and that’s hard. God has created me as a very empathetic and sensitive person. You might not always see it, but if you really know me you will. It’s been a hard year, with several losses and lots of reflection and growth. I leave you with a passage from Matthew to think about:

“”Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:25-34.

And that’s how I feel about that…I’m in a very thoughtful mood, so I may post some more later…we shall see…

The first is in regards to a statement made by the leader, Seth.  We were talking about the kinds of people we choose to spend time with and why.  He then asked whether we were the type of person that others walk away from feeling refreshed and encouraged by or if we were the opposite.  He asked if we speak life into others lives or if we drag them down.  Hm.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, specifically since Rosemary passed away and since spending time with my mom and family.

Rosemary was always SO positive and she NEVER had a negative word to say about anybody (except maybe to criticize herself…but that wasn’t even often…).  I want to be as joy-filled as Rosemary was and as tender in my relationships with others.  I want to care for them in a way that will effect them deeply, whether that’s through words or the way I treat them.  And then you have my mom, who is probably one of the most negative people on the planet.  I love her to death, but there is always something wrong.  She always is upset about something or has something negative to say about herself or her coworkers.  It’s pretty sad, and I wish I could help her.  Sometimes I find myself falling into the same sort of behavior, and I have to try really hard to keep it in check.  But God is good and He is teaching me and bringing people into my life to help me.  So, that’s what I’m thinking about there.  This coming school year, I don’t want to just be the campus minister.  I want to be the woman who draws people in and draws them towards Christ because of the joy and fun and care and life that are pouring out from her.  Pray for me as I work towards this and turn to God to fill me and prepare me.

And that leads me into my second of many thoughts for tonight.  Lots of chewing going on here in the near future!  Anyway…not sure exactly what made this thought come up…I think it was because we were talking about community and spending time with people and true relationships…but I realized why I’ve been so dissatisfied with my job lately.  During my second year on staff, I was made to catalog all my hours in my weekly ministry plan.  Now, mind you, there’s some wisdom in this to keep campus ministers from working 80 hour work weeks and burning out; however, for me I think it has put constraints on things.  It has been since then that I feel like I’ve been more worried about finding ways to get my hours in and making sure that I was doing my job than actually DOING my job and doing it well.  I’ve missed the forest because of all of the trees!  Imagine that.  I’ve been so focused on “doing ministry” and support raising that I’ve missed the point.  I’ve forgotten what it means to build quality relationships just by hanging around with students and building up their trust.  The focus has become too much on what is work and what isn’t.

And that’s especially hard for me for this summer while the students are gone.  I’ve had several people remind me time and again that my job is just about being a faithful Christian.  How wild is that?  I get paid to live my life faithfully and teach students what that means.  My boss told me I needed to use this summer to get back to where I needed to be with God.  Not that I don’t know that Jesus loves me and all that jazz, but my prayer is that spending time with God for me becomes more of a desire than a discipline.  I want to be like Brother Lawrence, where everything I do becomes an act of worship and a way to bring glory to God.  So pray for me as I work towards this goal and towards a more quality relationship with God so that I am filled enough to be ready to be spilled in the fall when everyone gets back.  Thanks!

And on that note, let me close with a quote.  The person who shared this quote with me did not know the author, so he or she shall remain nameless.  “Love is the overflow of joy in God which gladly meets the needs of others.”  Chew on that one a while and let me know what you think.  I apologize for the long post!

Last evening and today I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the past few years. I graduated college in 2005 and went straight into a job with the CCO at PSU-Mont Alto. And God definitely had prepared a place for me. The summer before that was when I did the Beach project. Had I not done OCBP, I would never have been prepared enough to pioneer a ministry at Mont Alto. Heck, I still don’t think I’m always well prepared to do the ministry I do. But God uses me anyway, and He has done mighty work at Mont Alto. That first summer at the beach, one thing God showed me was that I needed to spend more time with Him. I needed to put into practice what I had heard at that Jubilee; I needed to dedicate a whole day of Sabbath to the Lord to focus on Him and refuel for the week ahead. Let me tell you, it’s been a journey. It’s hard to take a day and sit still and listen to the Lord! Especially in ministry.

I have been struggling immensely with planning for the ministry at Mont Alto this semester. I have not been able to complete my ministry plan, and I have not been able to dream big for my students or myself. Want to know why? I think it’s because I’ve allowed my ministry to become just that: MY MINISTRY. I’ve lost focus on God, and started worrying too much about what other people around me (be they financial supporters, friends, family members, church members, students, faculty, whatever) think abotu what I do. NOT HEALTHY AND NOT GOOD! I also have not been taking a regular Sabbath. I’ve had time off, yes, but taking a whole day to dedicate to God, not so much. I don’t know why this struck me so hard this week; but for some reason, it did.

Yesterday it snowed about 5-6 inches in as many hours. All classes and activities after 3:30 were canceled, so I had the evening off from SWAT (our campus Bible study fellowship that I lead). I decided to start my Sabbath early and turned on some music on my Ipod and began listening for God’s voice. LOUD AND CLEAR! Come and rest, come to me all you who are weary, come and rest. This was the message from several different albums that I had randomly and recently added to my playlist. Then, I spent some time looking through old ministry plans. Wow. I have changed a lot since the first year. But that’s a whole different post. And then, I wanted to spend some more time with God, but I wasn’t exactly sure how. So, I prayed taht God would lead me. And lead me He did.

A friend of mine had purchased “Having a Mary heart in a Martha World” for me as a graduation present. It has been collecting dust on my bookshelf since. I didn’t think it would ever apply to me. HA! I picked the book up randomly last night during the snowstorm outside and I started to read. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it spoke to me. Now, don’t get me wrong, some of it didn’t apply to me. But a good bit of it did. God is teaching me new things all the time. All I have to do is open up my eyes and ears and let Him. When I don’t, I become bitter and cynical and much too much a product of my environment.

So, my prayer tonight is that God would continue using my Sabbath time with Him, and any other time He chooses, to draw me near to Him and to help me keep my focus on His love for me and not on anything else. That is also my prayer for you tonight, dear reader. I pray that God would place His hand upon you and teach you to rest in Him and breathe deeply of His refreshing grace and love. Until next time…